Did you know that microwaves can emit something more dangerous than radiation?
If not, it’s time we talked about this poisonous vapor that can erode relationships, sour your standing amongst your peers, and derail a once-promising career.
Aggressive food musk, or AFM for short, could be lurking in any Tupperware just waiting to be activated on your microwave's rotating glass platter.
It's a seemingly benign lunchtime poltergeist, awakened when Karen from Accounting microwaves that leftover lamb--and it poses a threat that can tear an office apart at the seams.
But fear not, worker bees. We’ve created a list of high-risk foods to help you avoid the unrest that AFM can cause in your place of business. Feel free to print it, laminate it, and put it up in the kitchen. Or by Karen’s desk if you see fit.
DISCOURAGED OFFICE FOODS
Old Chinese Food: Soy, sweet & sour sauce, and anything bearing General Tso’s moniker is best left at home.
BBQ Ribs: First off, they're really pungent. Second, gnawing on bones in the office is weird.
Popcorn: Great. Now we all want popcorn.
PROHIBITED OFFICE FOODS
Burning Popcorn: Great. Now we all want new offices.
Anything “Family Size” and Frozen: Lunch is an hour long. If your meal takes 95 minutes in the microwave, it’s going to be an issue.
Anything Fermented: We all love Korean food, but vaporized gochujang is not an office-friendly meal.
PACK YOUR THINGS AND GO
Fish: Meat without feet makes for a wonderful meal packed with vitamins and nutrients, and if you put that trout in the microwave, I will call security.
Boiled Eggs: When the overwhelming smell of sulfur is not the worst thing about your meal (eggshell confetti takes first place), you’re dealing with a dish that needs to be banished.
Lamb: Damnit, Karen.
Fast Food: Whatever they’re serving over at the golden arches is bad enough when it’s “fresh,” but as leftovers, their greasy foodthings are downright repellent. Don’t do this to yourself or your coworkers.
In our current corporate environment, we must all come together to achieve the lofty goals of which we are capable. But we will never reach our full potential if our work spaces are full of aggressive food musk because that damn Karen keeps smoking us out with her nuked kabobs.
Can we be real with you for a second?
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